On this first day of the year of 2017, I find myself looking forward to a year of “new light and blazing trails” as my friend Anna so wonderfully put it. I have an overwhelming sense of hope in my heart. 

    I think it’s because I’ve been to the dark side. I’ve been to a place of hopelessness and in a pit of despair. And let me tell you, the light, the hope, the “good”, is so much better. 

    It’s not always easy, but sometimes it’s necessary to do the work. Make the change. Follow your arrow. If it’s leaving the job you are so miserable at, or making the move to the new city. Ending that relationship that has run its course or starting that journey towards wellness you’ve put off for far too long. In the end, your happiness and overall life’s wellbeing are what matter most. You only get one life to life. It is quite literally your duty to live it fully and to the best of your ability. 

    I know we all still have some adjustments ahead. There are bound to be changes, and transitions that make us all feel a little disjointed and out of place, but as my friend Brunson would say, “the dust will settle and the caged bird will sing again”. Because in times of tragedy there is always triumph. In times of sadness, there is always something to be glad in. After the rain, the sun will always shine. And that’s what hope is about. 

    I hope we can all be a little kinder to each other this year. Even if it’s just with a breath of tolerance. Or a random act of kindness. A hug, a pat on the back or a quick note to express thanks. Don’t post that snarky comment online or better yet, post one of love and kindness. 

    There is a quote in the movie “New Years Eve” that I found especially meaningful last night when I heard it. “The one thing that turns the world from a longing place to a beautiful place…is love. Love and any of it’s forms. Love gives us hope.” 

    I hope this coming year brings you nothing but lots and lots of VERY, VERY GOOD STUFF! 

     So there’s an awful lot of people out there who can not WAIT for this year to be over. And while I understand that there have been challenges that have accompanied the last 366 days, in the spirit of this blog, I’m going to try and focus on the good that happened instead. After all, I’ve definitely had worse years, that’s for sure.     So as Julie Andrews would say, “let’s start at the very beginning”. 

   2016, saw me FINALLY making my way back to California in January after not one, not two, but THREE attempts to make it out there in 2015 and I got to spend an extra (& unexpected) 3 days with my best friend Kym on this trip! 

   Then in February my friend Karen gave birth to her little boy Mason! He is just the cutest & we welcomed him something fierce! 

    March was met with a flurry of activity and Mom & I went on our 2nd Mother/Daughter trip to Florida where we saw lots of different family and friends in a multitude of places from Amelia Island to The Villages, to Cocoa Beach & “The Hermitage Artist Retreat” in Englewood, Florida. 

    April was a trip down to NYC to see Tony Award winning musical “The Color Purple” (& WOW) it was everything we could have hoped for and MORE!! 

      May brought us our friends The Dring’s & The Andrade’s from England and Brazil respectively for Jack & Luana’s college graduation. 

     June was when I went to Nashville, TN with my Mom and our friend Stephanie for the summer NAMM show. It was great to be back in Music City after over a decade and for such a great music trade show. It was also the month I had to say goodbye to my dear friend Jenna. Oh how I missed her when it was time for her to go, but knowing she would spread her wings and fly only filled me with goodness. 

   July was a trip to Massachusetts for a bridal shower/bachelorette extraordinaire! A great time with two of my cousins and a group of girls who would turn out to be a ton of fun!! 

     August was a busy month! My friend Janet had her beautiful baby William in the beginning and then at the end, my Dad, brother Matt & I all went to California for my Nana Mo’s 90th birthday!! It was a great trip & we saw both my cousin Emma & my BFF Kym. 

    Then in September I turned 35 while my two small friends across the street turned 2 (two days later). The celebrations were “outrageous” as you could expect! Hahaha. 

    In October my cousin Ali married Tyler & our large extended family was mostly brought together again just outside Boston. Then later in the month, I went on my first solo trip overseas and saw three beautiful, different parts of England, & fell so deeply in love with it, I think I just might have to go back! 

    November brought me home from my trip and it also welcomed some new friends into my life and gave me a chance to get to know some other people who are really important in my life better.       

     December was a gift in so many ways as my family was all together for Christmas in our own home around our own tree, and everyone (more or less) was healthy. Including me. I was given the “all clear” two days before Christmas that my blood clots were under control & things are looking “good”.  

    So this was my year. The play by play. Sure, there are things I’m leaving out, like when my wonderful friend Amy took a huge, courageous leap & moved to a different city to start a new job & “get her happy back” or how my brother fell in love. Or how about when we added our 4th “Strong Lady” to our group, or in August when Mel married Cesca & our “Cooter” family grew just a little bigger. 

     I’d also like to give a shout out to Zac, Brandi, Emily & Amy, Eddie, Elvis, Patti, Jennifer & Cynthia for your amazing live performances. You were all what the “Good Stuff” is made of. Thanks for the memories. 
   

Who is an everyday hero in your life? And why? I was fortunate to catch a replay of one of my favorite specials on TV last night, which is the annual ceremony for the CNN Hero of the year. Every year I am awed and inspired by the people nominated for this award by their powerful acts of bravery, human kindness, and genuine desire to improve the World and make it a better place. The people are nominated all year long by anyone deeming them worthy of being a “hero”.

I looked up what the criteria was to be nominated and the process is rather simple. First, you think about what makes your hero special and then you write and tell the nominating committee about your hero. The rules are simple. The hero must be 13 years of age or older and someone who’s accomplishments have occurred or continued to occur within that previous calendar year. You can’t nominate yourself and you need to be an individual (not representing a group or organization as the “hero”).

So, as usual, I got to thinking, I believe we all know people out there that do extraordinary things. For me the list is long, but I thought I’d start by naming a few who came to mind.

First there is Dr. John, the man who first put my pacemaker in back in 2006. He’s a hero in his own right in so many ways. And not just for the work he did for me. No, he does really amazing work in the field of Electrophysiology & cardiology all the time. He brings his knowledge into the community and he screens thousands of kids at schools and can be found at free mobile clinics for heart related illnesses each year, through a program called “Save A Life” thus potentially saving so many lives in the process.

https://epsavealife.org/about-us-page/

Then there is Elaine, my dentist, and a dentist to so many in need of her services. I think she is truly superhuman with some of the things we’ve gone through together but she has helped countless underprivileged folks receive necessary dental care at beyond affordable fees just because she can and she believes it’s the right thing to do. Anyone who has ever had a real toothache understands the far reach to her services.

And Tesfa. My dear college friend Tesfa is exposing the world to what it really means to be a strong man of color in America through his incredibly powerful photographs. They are not just works of art, but a silent voice for a group of people who have a message that so desperately needs to be heard.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.buzzfeed.com/amphtml/hnigatu/one-artists-journey-to-photograph-the-black-men-of-america

As I was thinking of this list of people I naturally was drawn to mention my family as they have been my personal “team of heroes” throughout much of this past decade (& really much of my life if we’re being completely honest).

And the list wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t make mention of the everyday heroes that we so often take for granted because they so humbly put themselves in harm’s way and don’t ask for an honorable mention. Those are the members of our police, fire, and military. We owe you so much. To Colin, Big Nick, Darrick, Mark, Dave, and so many more of you that I hate to even start a list I can’t properly finish. You guys light the night. Thank you for your heroism.

What struck me most about the different nominees on this program last night were the varying stories and experiences that made up each hero’s path. But then again, that’s the beauty of what makes us human. Our unique stories and individual experiences. And that in itself is just really GOOD STUFF.

    This year I was reflecting on how my holiday was, & thinking of all the wonderful, beautifully wrapped presents we exchanged in my family & how each year, we promise each other that it will be a “small Christmas”, but somehow that just doesn’t seem to happen. Not that we are extravagant by any means, but the love certainly overflows in my house. I was taking stock of everything this morning as we helped to load my brother Matt & his girlfriend Candice into his car & send them on their way home & I realized that THAT was the real gift. Not the presents they gave me, but the sentiments behind them & having my family all together.     Yesterday as a family we walked across the street to give the twins (who are wonderfully 2 years old) their Christmas presents from us, & bless their hearts, they were more excited about the tissue paper at first than the books that were in the actual gift bags! They don’t know what a “good present” is, or isn’t. It’s all “good stuff” to them. 

     I was trying to think back to what the best Christmas present I ever got was and it didn’t take me very long to come up with it. My dear friend Jenna and I both lived in Potsdam last year and after spending money neither of us had on gifts the year before, we came up with the idea of writing letters to each other. She wrote me a poem. It was truly the most beautiful, meaningful thing anyone has ever written for me or about me. Oh how I cried when I read it. I hope she won’t mind if I post it’s contents now…

    That is a true gift. To have someone think of you in such an incredibly high, and esteemed manner…there is no greater compliment or gift. It’s just “good stuff”. 

What does Christmas mean to you?? Is it a time of togetherness & family? Is it Santa & his elves? Is it church & the birth of a new born baby in a manger under a bright star? 

     For me, in the past 10 years, Christmas, while being one of my favorite holidays has also been one associated with quite a lot of turmoil. For some reason, I tended to have a majority of my major health crises happen right around Christmas. 

    One year, I had to have surgery on Christmas Eve and my surgeon came in to see me in the hospital to break the news that he would have to operate dressed as Santa with his resident dressed in an elf costume. Then two years ago I had surgery the day BEFORE Christmas Eve, but still made it to church, although a little worse for wear. I didn’t realize until this year, when three days prior to the big day after I had a really great check up with one of my doctor’s and got the “all clear” and was told I didn’t have to come back to see him for a whole year, just what a gift that truly was. And how I had really been holding my breath for this day for quite some time now. 

    But don’t feel sorry for me. With those challenges came a lot of good. My family was always there to help & celebrate with me, & often my dearest friends would join in the festivities too. One year, friends of mine in San Diego were generous enough to loan us their house when they went away on a cruise for 2 weeks, and my entire family moved in for the holiday so we could all be together under the same roof. My best friend Kym also did the same thing the year prior with her beach front condo in Pacific Beach when she & her boyfriend at the time were in Australia visiting her family. It’s a beautiful thing when people loan you their home & give you a place to stay. 

   I guess that’s what Christmas means to me. Family, friends, and the bonds we make. Sharing the love & not taking any of it for granted. There’s a story from long ago about a man and a woman who were expecting a baby. They had traveled a long way and needed a place to stay. The shelter they were given was modest, but they too were able to all be together all under the same roof…and well, I guess we know how that turned out. It was GOOD. 

     I’ve always been a believer in Angels. And this time of year I especially feel them. Call it the Christmas spirit or just the “magic of the season”, but I often feel that there are heavenly hosts surrounding us at any and all of life’s twists and turns. Maybe that’s just my Pollyanna take on things, but I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one. 

     I try and keep these posts as non controversial as possible and it is never my intention to push my personal views or opinions on anyone choosing to read this, but as I can only draw on my own experiences so sometimes those probably show through and at times a little brighter than others. Still, just a fair warning, this is a little “church-ier” than some of my others, so if you bow out now, we’re still “ALL GOOD”. 

   Which leads me to my next encounter with the angels. I can remember being a very little girl and watching the Nativity pageant at my church where all the angels would crowd around the manger and tell the Christmas Story and all the “grown up girls” got to wear the pretty costumes with the wings. Oh how I longed to be an angel in that pageant someday. And when I was in high school, I was finally given role of the “Angel of The Lord”. I was kinda a drama geek in high school and out of all the different parts I got over the years, that small one in that church pageant was probably one of my favorite and most meaningful. 

    I was recently having a conversation with one of my two year old twin neighbors. (Yes, those are always the most enlightening talks), but they have a little Nativity set up on their kitchen table with the basics. I was quizzing “Vivi” on it & said, “who is in the manger?” & she said, “Baby Jesus!” And I said, “and who is his Mommy?” She said, “Mary!” “And who is that next to Mary?” “Joseph!!” “And who is on top of the manger??” “The Angel!” 

    And then I asked a question I didn’t know what answer I was expecting, but she nailed it perfectly… I said, “what does the angel say?” And she said, “FEAR NOT!” And it FLOORED me!! Because anyone who has sat through a church Nativity pageant, listened to Christmas Eve sermon or even watched Linus in “A Charlie Brown Christmas” knows that that’s EXACTLY what the angel SAYS!! “Fear Not”. Now I’m not going to get all philosophical and try to explain exactly how it is that a two year old was able to quote scripture to me, but I do know her Mom does take her to Sunday School & she’s just a very perceptive little girl to begin with. 

     Angels don’t have to be in the form of winged, heavenly beings either. Sometimes we encounter them right here on Earth. When I had my car accident, I was left on the side of the road by myself for a period of time before the rescue crews arrived. The drunk driver took off and I was all alone, bleeding, badly injured and fighting to stay conscious. The details get a bit fuzzy after that, but I do know according to the police report, another person, who as I recall didn’t speak much English, (& my face was so badly injured at the time I couldn’t speak a word intelligently), came along to the scene of the accident. I remember this person gently put their arms around me as I was leaning against my vehicle having climbed out of it miraculously. They must have realized I was in a direct line of traffic as my car was disabled in the middle of the road, but honestly, that was the least of my worries at the time. 

    So they very gently, walked me over to the side of the road and held me in a very warm, comforting embrace. I felt like I known that person for years, maybe my whole life, not like a stranger I just met minutes before on the side of the road. I passed out in their arms the minute I heard the sirens from the fire trucks arrive. 

     I refer to this person in an androgynous manner because it is difficult for me to recall if I feel like they were a man or a woman. Which is exactly what they say about angels. This person was my living, breathing angel. And then they were gone when I woke up. When you read the report, it says “Unknown bystander given the name of ___________ was spotted at the scene but unavailable for questioning. Witness did not leave any contact information.” 

     So you see, sometimes angels are these beautiful celestial creatures that we hear wonderful stories about & that bring messages of hope, peace & joy. And sometimes they are everyday citizens who do good deeds and ask for very little in return. Sometimes they are in the form of a loved one we’ve lost who goes on to become our own personal angel, guiding our way with a special love & light and reminding us they are always nearby. 

     Someday I’ll tell you about how my best friend from California , Kym and I found out we share the same guardian angel. It’s a really crazy story and one I definitely don’t have time to tell in a short paragraph …that’s a whole other post of its own. 

    Yesterday as I watched my friend Karen’s 9 month old son Mason play at the foot of my Christmas tree and furiously ring a bell we had placed on one of the lower branches, it reminded me of one of the classic lines from the movie “Its A Wonderful Life”. “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings”. Many angels got their wings yesterday from Mr. Mason. And that is very “GOOD STUFF”. 

        

     Our bodies hold the keys to our past. While recently talking to a friend I was trying (& miserably failing) to delicately explain some of my medical complexities to him. I came right out and said “I have a pacemaker” because honestly, sometimes it’s just the easiest thing to do. Its pretty hard to see if I have a sweater on, or even a thick shirt, but because I’ve lost a few pounds in recent months & you can all but see the outline of the battery box through the skin in my chest if I wear a tank top or a scoop neck top. There are three slash mark scars on the left side of my chest & one on the right from where I briefly had a pacemaker placed and removed about two years ago.

    Surprisingly, (& pleasantly so), the first thing he asked me was not, “why do you have a pacemaker?” but instead, “do you have any cool scars?” It immediately made me laugh & put me at ease. I then told him, “yeah, of course” & showed him the 3 marks right below my left collarbone and told him that my standard story to explain the scars to most strangers was that “I got in a knife fight” (very “West Side Story”) & that “you should see the other guy!” We both had a good laugh & my general “badassery” became a popular topic of conversation for the rest of the night. 

    See scars can be like a map to who you are & where you’ve been. They help tell your story in a way nothing else can. My Aunt Becky is a breast cancer survivor who underwent a double mastectomy. She told me “scars are tattoos but with better stories.” She’s a true warrior with battle scars to mark the journey she’s been on, but she’s an even stronger woman for it. And my Uncle Scott couldn’t think she is any more beautiful today than the day he met her…scars & all. 

    My brother has a scar on his nose. I don’t think he likes it very much, but I’ve always appreciated it because of what it symbolizes. How as a tiny baby, doctors were able to save his precious little life leaving him with nothing more than that small scar on his nose as evidence. And what a blessing that is. 

    See scars tell a story, they have a message. They say, “this is what happened a long time ago. You & I, body…we went through that together.” Some are small & rather trivial & others, large and deeply expressive. But they’re all part of the beautiful picture that makes up your story. And that is truly, “GOOD STUFF”. 

     What heals you? Like a lot of people I’ve encountered over the past week, I’ve been struggling this week with feeling just a little bit under the weather. It’s one of my most dreaded feelings as I always fear it’s going to be the thing that “takes me down for the count”. Leaves me feeling defeated or worse, forces me to go back to the hospital as I’ve had to do so many times before when things got beyond a level of care for what I could provide for myself at home. 

    These fears used to consume me. So much so that it became difficult for me to sleep well & I often felt very alone in the whole process. That’s when I met my “Strong Ladies”. They are a group of women who I meet with every other week and we discuss our lives. They also have health challenges so they can relate to the way society often views people with invisible illness, or people like me who look relatively healthy on the outside just because my clothes cover my scars & you can’t actually see what’s happening on the inside. 

    These women are badass. They are warriors. Two are mothers, all have been wives. And they are just incredible. We don’t only talk about health issues, we talk about life too. One has a new baby who is honestly the cutest thing you’ve EVER seen, & another has a child who is a freshman in college, so we talk about everything in between. And men, & sex, & our lady business… because that’s what Strong Ladies do…they talk, & share, & love. And we do. We also have really filthy mouths when we’re together. It’s kinda hilarious. 

    But so far, so good. I’m feeling pretty good today all things considered. I’m getting plenty of rest, eating some homemade chicken soup, drinking my Gatorade & watching Netflix. I’m doing a lot of self care & not much else…& that’s a really “GOOD THING”. 

      Who makes you laugh? I mean REALLY laugh? Think about it? Is it a comic, or a family member? For me it’s one of my oldest friends, Athena. She always knows what videos or songs are going to make me burst at the seams! I still can remember being a freshman in college & crowding into her tiny dorm room to watch the movie “Waiting For Guffman” and laughing so hard I thought I’d wet myself.

     I’ve known Athena (or “Tina Bean”) since I was 2 years old and the whole time she has just “gotten” my sense of humor. Just today, she posted a video on my Facebook page that had me laughing so hard I literally spit ginger ale out my nose!! Sorry, but that’s pretty funny stuff. She knows me so well that whether it’s a voice, a a look, a text, a picture or a song, I’m going to laugh because that’s just how we are. We’ve always been that way & I know we always will be too.  

     Now don’t get me wrong, it isn’t always jokes with us, we can be serious when we need to as well. We’ve gotten each other through some of the toughest things in life. From consoling each other after heartbreak to the tragic loss of a dear friend at a much too young age, to Athena’s most meaningful call to my hospital room following my car accident in 2007, she’s always known the right thing to say & how to say it. They say laughter is the best medicine & boy are they right. 

    To have someone who you can just freely be yourself with and who makes you truly smile is such a gift. It is truly a blessing and REALLY, really “GOOD STUFF.”

     The best part about the holidays in my opinion (aside from the wonderful treats, & family coming together of course), is the endless cycle to which one of my favorite movies is played. Love Actually. It’s a WONDERFUL film weaving 9 thoughtful, heartwarming stories of love in all its many complexities together. It challenges us to look for the love in our own lives. 

    Sometimes there are big, grand examples of love we don’t need to look very far to identify. A proposal, or some sort of grand gesture taken to show someone how much they are cared for. And while that is wonderful and a true expression of love and adoration, sometimes the small ones are the more meaningful ones. In the movie, they talk about the arrival gate at Heathrow airport and how there is never so much love than in that one place where families and friends are reunited. Having just been through there last month, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. The hugs & tears, the smiles & overwhelming joy to see a loved one you’ve missed or have just longed to hold in your arms even for a few moments. 

     But airports aren’t the only places you’ll see this. Look around you. At the supermarket or the coffee shop. Whether it’s a sweet hand hold that means, “I feel you, I’ve got you”, or a slight kiss on the cheek meaning “I just felt like showing you how much I love you & didn’t want to wait”. Heck, my two year old twin neighbors will spontaneously hug often and give kisses to each other because the love and bond they have for one another is so strong, and innate sometimes they just can’t seem to help themselves. 

      Drew Barrymore put out a wonderful book a few years ago called “Find It In Everything” where she kept her camera with her for one year and caught images of random items or mock ups that resembled hearts. She said “you could truly find love in everything if you just looked hard enough”. 

    So how do you show love? Do you do it in a Facebook profile status or an Instagram post? Do you bring your sweetie flowers or cook together? Do you buy jewelry on special occasions while making sure that person knows the sun rises and sets above them every other day? Is your thing making sure your loved one is as provided for and safe as possible? Or do you do what my Dad does & make a special pasta sauce for my Mom so her acid reflux doesn’t act up? That my friends is real love. And it’s really “good stuff”.