Today I saw a matinee performance of Tchaikovsky’s The Nutcracker and I had the pleasure of being seated amongst several 5, 6, and 7-year-olds. They provided me with nonstop giggles and amazing commentary that was too juicy not to repeat. I’ll warn you that some of the material in this post may not be suitable for young children even though it was almost entirely provided by them verbatim.

1st LITTLE GIRL

(As a ballerina is lifted off the ground in a full split position)

1st Little Girl: “Grandma, look! She’s like my Barbie doll…I don’t think she has a vagina either!!

Grandma: “Yes, honey, she does, but let’s talk about this later, ok?”

1st Little Girl: “No Grandma, I wanna talk about it RIGHT NOW!!”

2nd LITTLE GIRL

2nd Little Girl: (Repeatedly asking what country the dancers are representing), “Is this one China?”

Mom: “No Honey, it’s Arabia.”

(Music changes)

2nd Little Girl: “Is this one China?”

Mom: “No, it’s Russia.”

2nd Little Girl: “FIGURES!!”

1st LITTLE BOY

1st Little Boy: “I think they just killed the mice”

Mom: “No, they’re just sleeping”

1st Little Boy: “She used a sword…”

Mom: …

1st Little Boy: “Yeah, I don’t think they’re sleeping…”

2nd LITTLE BOY

2nd Little Boy: “Wow!! That guy has a really BIG…Nutcracker!!”

(Said in a not-so-subtle stage whisper. No one was quite sure what was gonna come out of his mouth!)

3rd LITTLE GIRL

3rd Little Girl: “Daddy, that lady isn’t wearing underpants. (Describing a nude leotard on stage.)

Dad: ”Yes she is”

3rd Little Girl: “Mommy says girls always have to wear underpants, except when you wear pajamas to bed, which is kinda weird, but that lady is not wearing any underpants at all!!

Dad: “No, I really think she is, but I’m sure Mommy is fine with it, just this once, regardless.”

2nd LITTLE BOY

*A beeper goes off in auditorium*

2nd Little Boy: “NO TEXTING!!”

I think the message in all this is that while the adage, “Everything is beautiful at the ballet” is, in fact, true and “While visions of sugar plums” (as well as snow queens, nutcrackers and many other magical creatures) may dance in our heads, there is NOTHING quite like seeing the holidays through the eyes of a child. Raw, real and oh, so GOOD!! Happy Holidays folks!!!