I have always been fascinated with hearts. Not just the things you send little emojis of or the shape you make when you curl half of your hand towards each other, but actual human hearts. 

   It may be because mine has always been different. It never had a “normal” beat to it as a child. I never knew this of course because you don’t know anything different than what you are as a kid and growing up I thought everyone’s heart raced like a puppy when they would run a short distance or walk up stairs. Over the years I became more and more fascinated with the sound of heartbeats and would find myself turning my ear inward whenever I would give someone a hug in hopes it would linger long enough that I could press against their chest and seek out their heartbeat for a beat or two. 

   When I had trouble sleeping as a teenager and found the rest of my family used White Noise machines to help soothe them into a peaceful slumber, I went searching for a noise machine with a heartbeat setting on it to lull me to sleep. 

    When I was 25 and finally got the rhythm of my heart surgically fixed, I had a short gap of time between when my body’s natural pacemaker was ablated and the artificial one I now depend on to make my heart beat was put in. This was because it took a few days for my body’s natural pacemaker (my SA nose) to die after the surgery I had to “turn it off” happened. My heart was essentially improperly sending signals all the time to the rest of my body in regards to how fast my heart should beat. 

   The plan was to permanently turn it off, and then make me artificially pacemaker dependent with a nice even, steady heartbeat. I remember being very nervous to leave the hospital in between the two surgeries, but the doctor said to me, “You’ll know when it’s time to come back. Everything will get very quiet.” And that is exactly what happened. I woke up one day and things felt very quiet. Like I couldn’t hear any heartbeats anymore. They had been with me for so long, and I suddenly felt like the Tin Man. No heartbeat. I almost felt hollow inside. But, like The Tin Man, I soon got my visit with The Wizard. And it turned out a couple titanium wires were almost as good as tin, & kept the beat like a Sousa March. 

    I put a piece of surgical tape over my heart that day that said, “please handle with care”. My nurse and good friend Marisa, kept it and a year later on the anniversary of my surgery, and as an early Christmas present, she gave me a rose quartz, heart shaped vase with that piece of tape inside. It was the first in my collection of heart shaped vases. 

    Actress Drew Barrymore has written a book which I am very fond of called “Find It In Everything”. It is a collection of photographs of heart shapes that appear in every day objects and life situations. I find myself constantly looking for heart shapes and getting a great sense of joy when I find one somewhere. Especially when it pops up where you least expect it. I like to think it’s the universe telling me it hears my yearning for that perfect “thump, thump, thump”. Because truly there is nothing like a good strong heartbeat to tell you everything is ALL GOOD.