I realized the other day that when I started this blog, it was to talk about “good things” happening in both my life and in the world around me. But it was also a chance for me to share a bit of my story with people. Tell them what was going on and the journey I was walking. Also maybe lend some support along the way. 

      So when one of my most treasured friends came to visit the other day, we spent about two hours on my couch discussing “the online dating adventures of Miss Miranda Britt”. Oh Boy. I feel like I’ve covered a lot of material on here, from friendships, (old and new), to tolerance, broken hearts, sisterhood, and everything in between but really nothing compares to the plight of the online dater. 

     It all began for me in London (interesting enough) where I was happily single & on what I would soon find out would be the end of a self imposed dating hiatus. I was having dinner with my friend Erica. She explained to me in more detail how “Bumble” (a dating app primarily utilizing the “swiping technique” works.) Having already gotten an initial run down from my BFF in Los Angeles and decided it probably wasn’t for me, I was a bit weary, but definitely more open this time around to checking it out. I’ll admit, the feminist in me liked that women have to make the first move on “Bumble” & I believe Erica was the one who said “Bumble is like “Tinder’s” cooler, younger sister”.   

      I also was personally not really feeling the whole “Match.com” vibe. For me, it was a bit too labor intensive and just as I like to choose my avocados with relative ease, I don’t want to spend all day mulling over my dates. So I might be one of those “swipe happy” people, but I can live with it. 

     Don’t knock Match.com though!! It worked out AMAZINGLY well for my brother and his girlfriend Candice!! They met, fell in love and now live together. Fruit basket to the Match.com folks! 

    There are so many other sites aside from Match.com too. “E-Harmony”, “Zoosk”, “OK Cupid”, “Plenty Of Fish”, heck, even “Farmer’s Only” is a big one in my area. And then there are the endless apps, aside from “Bumble”, like “Tinder”, “Hinge”, “Coffee Meets Bagel”, “Tastebuds”, “Happn” & I have to throw in “Grindr” for all my gays! 

    So I started with Bumble… (I’ve added another app along the way as my geographic area is relatively small so my settings were literally putting my matches all the way up to Newfoundland!) Setting up the profile was easy. Because I had Facebook, they just took the information people already knew about me there and helped me spruce it up a bit so I looked liked someone you might want to take out for coffee. They give your first 5 pics but then, it’s up to you to keep them or swap them out. (I’d say swap a few out for new ones. Then edit your info a little & you’re pretty much up and running.)

    I’m not going to name a list of names on here as I have in past posts, but it would be a mistake to not mention my very first (& BEST) date, Nick. He ended up one of my very BEST friends and honestly, if you can get half as lucky as I was with meeting someone like him in this process, then it’s absolutely worth all the ups and downs. We still hang out (all the time actually), & often help each other through this dating process & it’s just nice to have a friend who has your back & who also knows what it’s like to be in the trenches of online dating. 

     One of my girlfriends is currently mulling over the “Bumble” idea (sidenote: “Bumble” also has a BFF feature if you’re just looking to meet friends so definitely don’t feel it’s only for you if you are looking to seriously date. Friends are the best & as you’ve heard me say, they can be really hard to make the older you get, so I applaud “Bumble’s” efforts to link people up platonically!) 

    Another girlfriend of mine is on “Match.com” herself and she is new to the dating scene after being recently divorced. She’s getting back out there though and that’s what matters. We often talk about how it’s crazy that this is how things are done but you know, she’s so fabulous I feel like she won’t be single for very long. 

    The thing is to be smart about it. Know that it’s basically what everyone is doing these days. Don’t get mad if you’re on one site, you decide you don’t like it, join another one and see the same person you met on the first site on that next one. Chances are they did the same thing you did. Or they’re just really schmucky and it’s better you find out this way rather than 8 dates in. It’s also ok to talk to more than one person and not feel like a harlot. You don’t need to share intimate details of your life with multiple people, but you’re not betrothed to these suitors either and it’s all part of the “get to know you Game”. You can bet they’re talking to other people too, & when you’ve had enough conversations that exclusivity feels like an appropriate conversation, have it, and hope it goes well, but like the one site’s name suggests, remember that there are “plenty of fish” in the sea if it doesn’t go as you had hoped.       

     So to all my other fellow online daters, seekers of love, romance, companionship, warmth or whatever else lights your fire, I salute you. The road is long, but well traveled and fortunately not one often traveled alone…which is a very GOOD THING. 

   

    There’s a phrase “we all have our crosses to bear”. I’ve heard it many times, & yet only recently have I really stopped and thought about what it actually meant. Obviously, there is the religious connotation to it, but more over, it suggests that we all have our paths to walk and our journeys to follow but sometimes we just have a heavier load to carry as we do so. 

    What is it that determines our life’s path? Why do some people have what on the surface may appear to be relatively “easy existence”, & others live lives fraught with stress and turmoil? 

    A friend of mine recently had a baby and was very apprehensive about the birth process as this was her second child and during the delivery of her first, she had several complications. We talked about how there was a better than good chance that things would go just fine & everything would be smooth sailing.     

     Unfortunately, that’s not what happened. The good news is, both she and the baby are doing well now (all things considered), but it was a bit of a scary time immediately following the delivery. I know that these things don’t happen at random or for no reason, so even though I’m not sure why they do, there has to be a purpose to it all. 

    Or another girlfriend of mine who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer at 35. She is the mom to three young kids. It’s an awful lot to take on. But again, nothing happens without some bigger meaning that way, and I know she’ll take this situation and do something amazing with it. 

   My dear friend Sally, who has suffered more loss than any one person could ever fathom in a lifetime has often repeated the adage, “we are never given more than we can handle”, to me. I suppose that is absolutely, 100% the truth. 

    But is our destiny predetermined before we ever step foot on this Earth? And do we only walk the paths that we know we can safely make it down? 

    I once had a nurse when I was in the hospital leave me an incredible poem when I got out of surgery and returned to my room. It was one of the most amazing things I’d ever read and the fact that she thought those things about me was enough to brings tears to my eyes. It was the most inspiring thing and just made feel that resolve to pick myself up, & keep walking. Knowing that whatever road I was meant to walk down, someone believed in me and my ability to do it. 

    As the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche so wisely said, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” And luckily that is a very “GOOD THING”. 

    We all have our limits. The point at which we reach our cut off. Our maximum capacity. Whether we choose it or it chooses it for us. Whether it be shopping, alcohol, work, snow, relationships. We can only do & take so much before things eventually boil over into the overflow tank.   I learned this with my little two year old neighbor “Vivi” as I was trying to bargain with her for a diaper change the other evening. About the 4th time I asked her if I could PLEASE change her diaper so we could put some PJ’s on and go to bed, she very assertively put her hand up to my face and said, “ENOUGH!!” like the little sassy pants gal she has magnificently become. It was equal parts funny and impressive. To see such a little person communicate her feelings of “don’t push me anymore, I’ve had ENOUGH. I’m at my limit with you asking me to do something I don’t want to do.” Was just really quite astounding to me. Who taught her that? Did she know what she was saying or how she was conveying her thoughts & feelings to me? 

   I asked her mom, Anna and we both agreed that it’s just part of her wonderfully strong personality and what makes her the little dynamo we know and love. 

    So how do we know when we’ve reached our limits? When we too, have had ENOUGH? I certainly have had enough of the snow and cold weather this year, but I’m not sure there is much I can control about that outcome. I can however, control things like wearing a proper winter coat, which I finally decided to invest in after I had reached my capacity for being cold and just needed something to keep me warmer than what I had been wearing. 

    I think sometimes it just takes the courage to have a good look inside and think, “does this thing really make me happy? Am I being fulfilled by this?” Or have I now had ENOUGH of it. Because whether it’s a job you’re working in day after day or a that last glass of wine you maybe didn’t need. A dying relationship or an out of trend sweater you’ve been holding onto for one too many seasons, there is a point in life, where enough is enough & there is a need for change. To cleanse and start over fresh. Because believe it or not, there actually can be too much of a “GOOD THING”. 

       

    What is your purpose? I don’t mean the meaning of life, or some existential purpose you’re supposed to go in search of. I mean what are you called to do? What lights your fire? What really gets you going in the morning? And makes you want to give back to the World. What can you make a difference doing? 

   It doesn’t have to be big. It can be a small passion. But it’s yours. Don’t know? Spend some time & find it. Me? I’m still finding mine, but I’m really enjoying this writing thing. I also know that I’m an incredibly blessed woman who will not leave this Earth without giving back to the place I spent this incredible life’s journey in some way. The where’s and how’s I’ve not quite hammered out yet, but the gratitude is there & the drive behind it is massive. 

    While watching the film “Jackie” recently the actor portraying Bobby Kennedy essentially says to Jackie Kennedy after President Kennedy is assassinated, “What did we actually do? What did we accomplish? Will he be remembered for anything?” It’s human nature to want to make your mark. To want to change things for the better and do something for the greater good. Whether you are literally sending men to the moon or just making wishes upon stars, those dreams matter and each one counts towards the goal of making a change and propelling things in a forward direction. Because when you’re down, you can only ever go up. And once you’re there, you’ve already won half the battle. So don’t be afraid to go make a change, follow that dream, and look for The Greater Good

     We’ve all had it happen. Been transported back to a time and place by a smell. Whether it be the smell of fresh baked cookies reminding you of a time past or leaves and balsam fir smelling like an autumn hike. Smells can be one of the most amazing senses. Also one of the most emotional. My Mom and I were sitting on the couch last night when she said, “do you smell cigarette smoke?” Knowing that clearly I don’t smoke and no one in our house does or ever has, I shook my head and with my very nasally, congested voice said, “nope, sure don’t…” she paused and said, “it smells like Grammy used to when she smoked…but then, I guess it would. Tomorrow would have been their anniversary. That’s why.” 

    You see, my Mom and I have always gotten what you might call “signs” from people who have passed. Especially from my grandmother when she wants our attention. Sometimes it’s in the form of a ringing doorbell…even if the doorbell is not hooked up, (she was a very crafty woman) or sometimes she finds other ways to say “hello”. Oftentimes with smells. But she’s not the only one. I have a bottle of perfume that I’ve kept since I lost my childhood best friend when we were in college. It belonged to her. I haven’t taken the top off to smell it in years as I’m sure the alcohol in it turned quite some time ago but sometimes I still smell her. I get a whiff of it as I’m walking somewhere and I’m sure it’s her I smell. It brings me joy and happiness, like she’s trying to get my attention and say “Hi Mandy! I’m here. I see you. I love you and I’m still with you.” There is no sweeter smell than that one. 

   Or how about the ocean? It still brings me wonderful memories. Too many to count. The salt in the sea air brings me 10 years of joyous recollections that are vast and so in depth I couldn’t possibly begin to list them all. Some day, try and list your top 5 favorite smells. If you have to trouble, you’re not doing it right. And if you can’t choose just 5, then by all means, pick 10. Then try and put a person or a place you associate with each smell. It’s a really fun exercise to do and something that makes you appreciate the experience just that much more. It’s all part of the beauty of life. And life is full of so much really “GOOD STUFF”. 

My list of Top 5 favorite smells: 
1.) Autumn Leaves – Potsdam

2.) Banana Republic Perfume – Laura

3.) Rose Water – Sagamore

4.) Ocean Air – San Diego 

5.) Oscar’s Bacon – Childhood lunches

      Today we celebrate women. We celebrate their minds. Their abilities to think and do. To create and develop. We celebrate the women who have cured and solved. The minds that have brought us ideas and technology, devices and medicines. Also the incredible brains that have thought beyond the here and now and gone so far as to the moon and back. We celebrate you. We cherish you. We thank you. 
   We also appreciate women’s bodies. We love what they can do. From bearing and feeding a child, to working and providing for a household. Women’s bodies are incredible. They are beautiful, sensual, resilient and functional. Some are round and some are soft. Some are angled, and have rough edges. Some are scarred and stretched and some are perfectly untouched on the outside but raw on the inside. All are beautiful. A woman’s body is her own from the day she is born until the day she leaves this Earth. It is her beautiful package to wrap and unwrap for whomever she chooses and that is a gift unto itself. We celebrate that gift. 

   We embrace their hearts. A woman’s love is unlike anything else in this World. When she loves, she loves hard. She loves fiercely. She might love wildly and passionately. It may occasionally come with anger. Some have laughter, and tenderness, compassion, kindness, silliness, friendship, sisterhood. A mother’s love. But with that love comes protection…and devotion. A sense of honor and commitment. Vows in what she took and who she is. Love for her man, or woman. Her family, her friends. 

   Today is International Women’s Day and we celebrate all women, everywhere doing all good things. 

     Forgiveness is a virtue unto itself. There are whole passages of scripture devoted to the subject and books, upon books written on the matter. It’s a subject I do not pretend to be an expert in, but have dipped my toe into the pond of. To truly forgive someone who has done you wrong can be the most freeing, liberating thing you can do for yourself. To release the pain, fear, hurt and anger lingering in your heart is not only cathartic but empowering. There is no greater gift you can give to ones self than to forgive. Not just for the person seeking, but for the person whose forgiveness is being sought. 

    I was telling a new friend “my story” the other day. And as we got to the part about “what happened to the guy?” I simple said, “I had to let it go.” Because in the end that’s exactly what happened. Maybe not ultimately “to” him, but to my feeling toward him…I let them go. Years of anger, resentment and hurt had accumulated such negativity that it had started to disrupt every aspect of my life right down to the quality of my sleep. It wasn’t even just the matter of this one person who had hurt me one night when I was driving my car. 

     There have been others. That was just the catalyst in a chain of events that led to more hurt and more pain. I finally had to just get to a place where I realized the high road was always going to be the road I chose. It was always going to be the better path for me. It’s not always easy, but it’s somehow what I needed to do. My heart is lighter and my head is clearer as a result. Maybe I’m what some people might call a “Pollyanna”, but my glass is half full & my heart is as clear as the air I breathe. 

    I think of the Amish people who were so quick to forgive the man who murdered their loved ones in a Lancaster County, PA community a few years ago. They even attended his funeral. They asked that donations be directed towards his family rather than their own. They did this because it’s what their faith told them was right, but also because it was what was in their hearts. It lessened the burdened on them as love and compassion are their life’s theme. 

   Or the father of the one of the Santa Barbara Massacre victims who met with his son’s killer’s father and offered him forgiveness. The two are working together to help make a difference on gun laws for the mentally ill so that a similar situation doesn’t arise in the future. 

   Sometimes situations don’t have to be as intense as murder or violent crime though to lighten your load. If a roommate or a co-worker has done you wrong in the past, or if your ex has been hurtful and there is bitterness there. Sometimes just writing a letter, and putting it in the mail to a blank address can be helpful. You don’t actually have to send something to your person, but putting your thoughts down and just throwing them away can be healing. It’s the release that starts the process. 

    Or believe it or not, have a good scream. My strong ladies and I were talking yesterday about the catharsis we find in just yelling as loudly as possible. Sometimes in a small room, or even in your car when no one is around. Having a good wail on a back road can be SO GOOD FOR THE SOUL!! You really should try it if you haven’t yet. And at the end of the day, it’s all about mending the hurt. Healing the wound, closing the gap. You don’t have to forget your pain, but move past it. Put it on the shelf. And maybe just be ok with leaving it there. There are some things that are ok to just be done with and not go back to. They are not worth our energy and so we don’t give it to them. Only the good. ONLY THE GOOD. 

    

     The first person is a one off. The second, seems like a really awful coincidence, but the third, fourth, and fifth? That starts to make it a pattern. I’m talking about cancer. And not just any cancer…breast cancer. I’ve had at least a half dozen friends who have been diagnosed with it before their 40th birthday. Pardon my French, but breast cancer is a motherfucker and needs to have its ass kicked. 

    Cancer is a monster I, personally have never had to fight. But I’ve watched it. I’ve seen it up close. I’ve seen it wage it’s battle. Fight it’s dirty, nasty fight. No holds barred and no rules it won’t break. I’ve also seen it destroyed. I’ve watched loved ones obliterate it. Fight back with every ounce of strength they had and become the victor in the most important of the lives…the battle FOR their lives. It’s not easy, but it becomes necessary. 

    And for those of us on the sidelines, what can we do? How can we help? When I got the news one of my dearest friends was given her diagnosis just the other day, I immediately reached out to our group from college. How can we help? What can WE do? Love suddenly becomes not adequate enough. So you close ranks, & a support system is born. You try to figure out how you can best help. Is it meals, or maid service, mileage for travel that families will inevitably need covered or just a helping hand for bills. The idea is to show that no matter what, support comes at NO COST and that it’s just what you would want someone to do for you. 

    And for the person who is receiving the care, well I can tell you this much. This becomes a time when nobody needs a hero. It’s ok to just say “yes” and accept whatever help is offered to you. Sometimes it’s what blessings are all about. Take those meals offered. Freeze whatever will keep and then make plans to eat the others in as timely a manner as possible. Food is food and if it’s something you don’t have to make yourself, then it’s a win for everyone. Any help offered for cleaning, childcare, or other services like that is completely up to you, but shouldn’t be looked at as a burden. If they are helpful, by all means, take them & use them to your full advantage. This is all about you & your focus should be on healing & your body. Again it’s not always easy, but it’s what is necessary. Fight the good fight, and then lean back and just be supported. 

    Survivors, fighters, warriors passed. Know you are loved. YOU are the heroes. You are the women & men with the battle scars to prove what the “good fight” is all about. And we salute you. For my dear friend who is just about to embark on this journey, you have my heart, my love and my strength. You are one tough lady and if anyone was going to show Cancer who’s boss, it’s you!! You are just GOOD STUFF!!